Halo: Portable

The chivalrous, gunslinging guys over at Tied the Leader have just recently made a contribution to Azalea Charities, which support combat wounded war veterans. We should thank them for supporting our troops, but also for helping shed a kinder light upon the gaming community as a whole.

TTL, you guys rock.

Halo. For your PSP. It's not an FPS, but it is Halo, complete with wee little Covenant (which is sure to drive the girls crazy!). Give this quirky little game a try! You can download it from the original website after registering. This works on Firmware v1.5 and v2.71.

Just letting the H:PP listeners know (all three of you) that we didn't have an episode this week because of audio problems. I blame Funkmon. We will re-record this Friday, then resume regular scheduling. Thanks for your understanding.

EDIT: Scheduling conflicts has caused us to skip (gasp!) this edition of the podcast. We know it's not the best thing to do when we only have three episodes out, but don't worry; we'll recap what we missed when we do the podcast (for real) next week. Sorry about that.

Edit 2: I blame Funkmon.

Read all about my weekend at the "Biggest Sausage Party on the East Coast." Dolbex was awesome enough to host a huge LAN party that tons of community members from around the world (or just the U.S.) came to visit. This story is long, detailed, will take multiple seatings to finish, and ultimately pointless. Check it out!

When I first heard of LANbex several months ago, I knew I had to attend. It was the first chance I'd have to get to go to an old-school LAN anywhere near me. There were only a couple major problems:

1) I don't have a car
2) LANbex took place the first weekend after school starts.

The car problem was not-so-easily solved after weeks of annoying rapture to go. It almost didn't happen, but what would a LAN be without rapture? It would be a LAN without rapture is what, and that would suck. Plus, I offered to pay for gas, which turned out not to motivate him so much, but it couldn't hurt. The school problem was easily, and I mean easily, ironed out after my parents saw my name on the front page of Bungie.net. I can thank KP for that (Thank you, KP).

As the LAN approached, Gary (Studbex) sent out emails reminding people what to bring. I read it, remembered it, and packed the next day without rechecking the email. This turned out to be a fatal mistake, almost literally. More on that later. What I did bring, however, was my leet Halo Xbox, controllers, one XBox360 controller, and clothes, toiletries, etc. Rapture brought a mobile LAN center, including the leetest LCD HDTV of the weekend, an Xbox360, and networking equipment, as well as sleeping bags. I stocked up the back of his SUV with food and my equipment, and we were off!

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We drove about 3.5-4 hours to arrive in Cumming, GA. Yes. Cumming, GA. The entire town must laugh every time they tell somebody where they live. They have to! You need a sense of humor to live in this town.

We exited the car, stretched, and rang the doorbell. A figure appeared from the shadows behind the glass door. My legs began to shake from fear. This was a beast of a man. It wasn't just any man... It was Furhman! "Hey guys, what's up? All the action is downstairs." We introduced ourselves and headed downstairs.

There were only a few people down in the main gaming room. On first glance, I saw Miguel Chavez, Jynx, and not many others, because rapture and I had to focus on setting up camp. It's how we rapture rolls.

After we set up, we sit down in some chairs we bought at Wal-Mart on the way to LANbex. We completely forgot to bring our own, so we picked a couple up on the way. After playing for a couple minutes, I get fragged by Freewill, aka Miguel. "Mintz? Where's Mintz?" I hear somebody say. I turn around and Miguel says, "Oh, hey Mintz!" I return his welcome, then we both turn back around; the spawn counter just hit zero.

After playing for several more hours, more people continuously shuffle in. One by one, they set themselves up on TVs, plugging their controllers into Xboxen and getting in on all the LAN action. At one point, I walk upstairs and outside to the Rapmobile to get a couple cases of Mt. Dew. As I walked outside, some new arrivals were approaching, including Ma1agate and Schooly D. I believe the first sentence I ever spoke to Schooly was just a bunch of acronyms, like "Schooly D! tSD, FTW!" I didn't even KNOW what Ma1agate looked like. I later learned who he was because of Dewbe's excellent idea: Nametags. He brought a couple hundred with him, half of which were used on me alone, despite the fact that my T-shirt had my name on the back.

The rest of Friday night was spent playing Halo, Halo 2, kitchen discussions, and greeting new arrivals. KP was one of the last people to arrive that night. I walked up to him and said, "Hello KP. I'm Mintz."
"Uh, sorry, I wouldn't know who you are."
"Oh, that's OK. I barely know myself sometimes."

Laughs followed, then a handshake, then more Halo into the night. Schooly and I threw around a football in the backyard at some point, but it was tough with the wet grass, slanted hill, and maybe 100 square feet of land that wasn't covered by trees. We soon stopped, but the football made regular appearances during back-porch conversations, in which it was tossed around for something to do.

Everyone stayed up until well into the morning. There was a bedroom off to one side in the downstairs area with a bed that Miguel was eyeing. Dolbex, Dizzy, and I were playing Halo 1 against others in the main area of that room while Miguel dozed lightly on the bed. I was beginning to tire, and it showed in my Halo skills (or lack of). After one game, Dolbex retired to his bed upstairs, and Dizzy hobbled off in his sleepy stupor to another room. I kinda spread myself out on the floor, rested my head in my arms, and began to get to sleep. I leaned over to turn off the TV/Xbox, kicked off my shoes, and laid for a few minutes. I felt my muscles relax, the voices in the background began to fade, I barely heard KP say, "Hey Schooly, check this out. That's hot," and the sandman appeared to take me to a different land. I became confused. This land is not what I'm used to. Why have I been taken to a wood-cutting factory? Wait a minute, that's not wood. Nope, it was Miguel. I raise my head, and I hear Miguel creating a symphony of noise. So much for sleeping in here. I picked myself up, put on my shoes, and left the room. KP slept with him later. I don't know, or wish to know, any more details.

I chilled out upstairs a little longer with Jynx and Ma1, and laughed at the contorted position Dizzy was sleeping in on the couch. Little did I know he wouldn't move from that spot for about another 14 hours.

I went downstairs a little while later, played another few games of Halo, then rap and I looked for a place to sleep. We got the sleeping bags and found a nice room downstairs which was nice and cool, and had Dolbex's dehumidifier to blow cool air on us. It was then that I realized I completely forgot to bring my pillow! (Here's that fatal part I was talking about earlier) I was about to use my clothes I brought as a pillow, when I spotted something cozy-looking. I picked up a strip of whatever-that-was covering the walls, and it felt plushy. I gathered a couple pieces lying on the floor and put them under the top of my sleeping bag, and used that as a pillow. It was only later that I learned it was Thermal insulation with Fiberglass, and that I only have 64 hours and 23 minutes left to live. So I might as well finish this story.

It took me about an hour to get to sleep. The voices in the next room were probably what kept me up, but the hum of the dehumidifier drowned out all but the most obnoxious whoops and hollers. I was getting close to that land of sleep when the dehumidifier shut off for no reason. I could now hear everything happening in the next room. I check the machine, and it has a red "Auto Shut-Off" light engaged. No big deal; I just turn it off , and the light switches off. I turn it back on and... the light comes back on. So here I am, in my boxers, bent over this dehumidifier which won't turn on, half-asleep, with my cell phone whipped out for a light source. I don't know what to do. Then I have a genius idea: unplug it, then plug it back in! Of course! I turn off the switch, unplug it, plug it back in, flip the switch, and revel in the sweet breeze of... the Auto Shut-Off light? Dammit! I give up and go try to get some sleep.

Next thing I know, it's 8:30am. I'm not getting anymore sleep, so I quit trying and get my ass out of bed... er, sleeping bag. I walk into the bathroom after the previous occupant left, and brushed my teeth. Then I looked around. The shower had shampoo and conditioner, as well as a bar of soap. Was Dolbex trying to tell us something? I took the hint and got squeaky clean.

I meandered upstairs after watching everyone wake up to a few guys' Lion King-inspired wakeup call. A couple people were milling about, and I saw Miguel Chavez getting out supplies. I was like you once, reading other peoples' accounts of LAN parties, and I distinctly remember Miguel being an awesome cook. I milled around with Dewbe and Jynx (laughing at the contorted position Dizzy was sleeping in), and Miguel served up some delicious scrambled eggs, shortly followed by bacon. Nobody made a move. This was the same guy who made an omlette at 2am earlier that morning. "Dig in, guys," he invited. We immediately attacked the breakfast while Dewbe hung back. More people made their way upstairs, and I saw Furhman approaching the kitchen. So did Dewbe. "Oh crap, I better grab some eggs!" I laughed.

The rest of the morning is a blur of Halo, but later in the afternoon, Schooly and I wound up on Dolbex's front porch, football in hand. "Hey Mintz, let's go throw the football around."
"But-"
"Let's go."

Might as well. We walked to the road in front of Dolbex's house. I told him to "go long," and I threw a perfect spiral way past is definition of "long." We threw it back and forth a few times, perfect spirals, each time followed by a "Nice!" We chatted a little bit about LANning vs XBL, how we really don't play sports but are good anyway, etc. At one point, I decide to try something different.
"Throw the ball low, near my legs, so I can catch it between them."
"OK."
I had to jump up to catch his next throw.
"Schooly, are you trying to tell me something about my face? Because I don't think I appreciate it."
I threw it back, and he threw the next one a little lower. I sidestepped a bit, jumped, and caught it right between my calves! I was proud of me. Next thing that happens is us hitting a car with the football. Juvenile running ensued.

The rest of the day was just awesome. There were games played for prizes, two of which I won. The first game I won was "Dodgeball" on Midship, which involved Brute Shots without shields, and I was the first to 100. It was a tough battle, with the second place finisher and I neck and neck the entire time. I won a copy of the Halo Soundtrack (which I already owned). Later, after shooting the breeze on the deck, I walk back inside and see that people are about to play a game. I hook myself up to TRUbored's setup and got into a pregame lobby. I hadn't played with a 360 controller that weekend, but whatev. We started playing a Golden Showers gametype without shields, and ownage ensued at my hands. At the end of the game (I won with 100 points, again), I heard somebody say, "OK, Mintz gets the game." Huh? Game? What game? They hand me a brand-new Limited Edition of Halo 2. It was in my hands! A holy light shone behind it! "But Mintz already won a game, he can't get two," Mr. Isuckatlife said. The trophy was pulled from my grasping fingers, and awarded to "Default." It all ended well, though; he didn't have the Halo Soundtrack, so I traded it for his game. Thanks again for being kind about it!

This is only the beginning. A full video should be available sometime soon.
The Tijuana Mama contest came shortly afterward, and it was hell on earth. I was suspicious of everyone talking about these things, but I thought I could stomach it. I couldn't. Those Tijuana Mamas tasted like pickles that you pulled out of a pickle jar somebody sealed in a time capsule, then shoved inside a hot dog. Then laid out in the street for a week. Then a dog ate and shat it. Then somebody put it in plastic. Everyone who participated in the contest will agree with that description. After I ate three and the contest ended, I went to the balcony and spit out what was in my mouth. I stood for the next twenty minutes, debating whether or not I should induce vomiting, to prevent further pain (it burnt going down, and I knew it would burn.... ya know). I made up my mind: I was going to do it... with a film crew. After dewbe took entirely too long to get his camera ready, I had Jinx film it. Lemme just say this: I wish I had ipecac, because the ferociously pickled food wouldn't come out. I won't disgust you with the nitty-gritty details. You're welcome.

The rest of the time was spent playing a game of Halo every now and then, but mostly walking around, hanging out with people I only meet online, grabbing a burger and ice cream, and chilling on the deck outside. That was the best part right there. Just sitting in the bench, rocking back and forth with Dewbe ("Mintz is a rocker!"), and chatting with KP, Frag Qu33n, Schooly (when he wasn't trying to get a signal on his cell phone), and later Dolbex, Miguel, and Ma1agate. Just discussing what we feel about Halo, its storyline, and what we hope from Halo 3 (KP was especially quiet during this part) was a great thing to do. It's times like that you really enjoy the company you surround yourself with. These are good people, and I'm glad to have been able to meet them. Thanks again, Dolbex and Mrs. Dolbex, for your hospitality and for giving us gamers a chance to meet each other and have a great time. It was truly a blast, and an experience I won't forget... so when is the next one? =)

Random Moments:
While dressing up buns for a burger
"Hey KP."
"Hey Mintz."
"Looking forward to grabbing a burger?"
"Oh yeah, I'm sure it'll be delicious."
"So are the humans forerunners?"
"Oh hah hah hah! Nice one, Mintz! Did anyone else hear that?"

The very beginning of a Halo 2 game
Guy: "Who picked this gametype?"
Mintz: "Your mom, faggot!"
(You had to be there)

During one of Schooly's attempts to get a signal by raising his cell to the heavens
Mintz: "Schooly, I think God is above petty gifts like a cell phone."

During a postgame lobby, people marvelled at Neogenics' amazing scores
Dude: "Damn Neogenics, you owned that game!"
Dude #2: "Wait, he's not Neo."
Dude: "What? Look at that guy! That's Mintz!"

All pictures taken by/property of rapture. Used without permission. I hope I don't get bitch-slapped. Video belongs to Furhman. Used without permission. I hope I don't get sat upon. <3

Everyone give a warm round of applause for Tex, Halo: Portable's new contributing artist! She (yes, she lacks a Y chromosome) will be drawing a few of the pictures that you see here on the front page, as well as a little surprise you'll see next week.

Speaking of next week, Halo: Portable will resume it's normal scheduling then. The Wallpaper Pack promised a millenia ago will be released this Friday (or sooner if you donate) to end the content drought.

In other news, we'd like to gather interest on a Halo: Portable podcast. Anyone interested? You're probably wondering what would it be about. Does that really matter? It involves the Halo: Portable crew! Actually, it would be about the Bungie Weekly Update. We'd talk about the Bungie Weekly Update, the important things it discusses, and engage in (hopefully) intelligent conversation about the topic at hand. Why? Posting a Bungie Weekly Update every week just for the PSP leaves the iPod/PocketPC owners out of the equation, but we can release an MP3 that's playable on all the portable devices Halo: Portable supports.

Quite a premise, eh? It's just an idea being tossed around, and we'd like to know who's interested. If you like the idea, go ahead and vote for it! If you're really, really interested in it, and you happen to have some audio editing skills, shoot an email to mintz08[at]gmail.com

Expect updates to be sparse until around mid-May. Sorry! There are some cool things to look forward to, so don't worry!